You're A Wizard
by PatrioticMilkshakes
Summary: Arthur thinks Matthew is a wizard during one of his court-ordered visits. Matthew is not so sure.   M for dirty language.   Francis is the ex.


It was just a few hours past sunset, and little Matthew sat at the dinner table, staring down at his plate of nasty English food with murderous intent. He had been sentenced to sit in his chair of stacked books and papers until he finished his meal. Matthew whined, and picked at his food stubbornly with a fork.

After Arthur initially left with Alfred, who had eaten his portions with loud complaints, leaving Matthew to pout in his chair for several minutes alone.

At some point, the blonde, violet eyed boy got the idea to get up and retrieved matches and set the food on fire. Sadly his hopes of it disappearing into a pile of ashes were crushed when the indistinguishable mounds of.. something refused to stay aflame. Probably because they had already been burned about a dozen times before even hitting the plate.

When he was scooting the trash can over to the table, Arthur walked back in.

This British man was annoying, why couldn't he go home to be with his Francis already? His food was much better, and he didn't talk so funny. Sadly all he heard when he kindly requested to go home was simply "I only have you for one week out of the summer, belt up and quit complaining."

Stupid adults and their 'separate residences'.

He stabbed at his food with the fork, hoping the gesture would make it disappear. Glancing out the window, he saw the moon slowly peeking out from the trees.

Surely this stuffy brit wouldn't make him stay here all night..

Matthew sighed and flopped his head down on the table. "Stupid ..food stuff..just go away, oui?"

Squeezing his eyes shut, he silently wished them into nonexistence. Within a few seconds he heard a familiar fluttering buzz-noise next to his head. He perked up and glanced over to see a little fairy doing some sort of strange mid-air dance of .. fairyness.

"Bonjour?"

The fairy giggled and just kept on fluttering around, going this way and that before eventually settling to sit on a lump of poorly cooked food. She didn't respond. Instead she gestured down at the food and then back to him, and giggled again.

What a rude little fairy.

Matthew puffed his little cheeks. "You types are much nicer back in France!"

Another giggle. Like someone was ringing a tiny bell that was only capable of sounding like annoyance. Matthew frowned. "Stupid glitter-shoes! I should squish you!"

Then made a move to smash the fairy with his hand like it was a mosquito.

Unfortunately, something stopped his hand, and he struggled to pry it free. Stupid gravity, messing with his plans to kill annoyin- Oh wait it was just Arthur.

The british man was standing there, looking amazed and shocked.

"You can see them?"

"Oui.." Matthew went back to frowning at his meal, but after a few quiet minutes of not being scolded, he looked over to see Arthur with a very serious look on his face.

"Matthew, only certain types of people can see those things, did you know that?"

Matthew just blinked. So?

"My lad, I-I think I know what this means..I didn't think you'd have the gift, but you do!" Suddenly the old man was smiling, what was wrong with him today? "You're a wizard Matthew."

Matthew could only stare, with a blank, unchanging expression before opening his mouth. "I'm a.. WHAT?"

"Matthew,' Arthur's huge eyebrows knitted seriously as he repeated the name,' you're a wizard."

"I'm a WHAT!" Matthew just looked more confused, his thin blonde eyebrows knitted with confused irritation.

"A wizard, Matthew." The brits voice sounded a little flat this time.

"I'm a WIZARD!" Now the little boys eyes widened, he appeared to maybe understand what the word meant now.

"Yes Matthew,' his other parental unit said proudly, 'you're a wizard."

In the blink of an eye, the little half-french boy went from confused to slightly panicked."But I'm just Matthew."

"Well "Just Matthew. You're a wizard." Arthur was very matter-of-fact about this, despite the reaction he was receiving.

"But, I'm just Matthew!" He whined.

"No, 'Just Matthew' you are a wizard!"

The boy shook his head, suddenly looking angry. "Listen here, Arthur, I'm just Matthew!"

"NO!" Arthur put his hands up to emphasis this word. "Matthew! You' he pointed towards his adopted son, 'are a wizard!"

Despite the hand gestures and visual aides, Matthew wasn't buying into any of it. "I'm not a wizard Arthur! I'm just Matthew!"

"Listen, Matthew!" The frustrated british parent smacked his hands down onto his hips. "You're a wizard!" He frowned when the boy folded his arms and shook his head.

"No, Arthur, I'm just Matthew."

The statement caused Arthur to let out an exasperated sigh and shake his head. "Matthew, for God's Sake, you're a wizard!"

"A WIZARD!" Matthew practically screamed. "I'm just Matthew!"

Arthur sighed again. "Nooo, 'Just Matthew'. You're a wizard."

"I'm not a wizard, Arthur, I'm just Matthew." A strange tone accompanying Arthur's name caused the man to frown.

Strangely, his frown could be both seen and heard. Magical eyebrows indeed. "Nooooo, 'Just Matthew'. You are a wizard."

Now Matthew was frowning, intensely. "I'm not a wizard, _Arthur._"

"MATTHEW!

You

are

a

wizard!"

Now Matthew was standing on the table, glaring at him with tense purple eyes. He also added some angered arm flailing for added intimidation effects. "Listen here, Arthur, you FAT OAF! I'm not a FUCKING WIZARD!"

Arthur gasped, stepping back slightly, with a puffed out, skinny chest. No way was he fat! "For God's Sake, Matthew what is with this language!" He straightened himself out and pointed at his son, and in a show of parental superiority, said: "You're a FUCKING wizard!"

Matthew wasn't having any of this, and didn't retreat an inch. In fact he even raised his voice. "I don't give a FUCK you FAT HAIRY BASTARD!" Another angry arm flail. "I'm not a FUCKING WIZARD!"

Alright time for Arthur to get serious. "Listen, Matthew." He adjusted his sweater-vest. "You're going to go to Hogwarts, and do SPELLS & SHIT." He paused again, this time to breathe. Since when did his lungs work so crappily? "And you're gonna be FUCKING PLEASED about it!"

Matthew returned to flailing, twisting around on the table and pulling up the table cloth this way and that. "I don't WANT to do your FUCKING SPELLS you BASKET-CASE. . . stick it up your FUCKING DICK-HOLE!"

A moment of silence. Did he just say- No he couldn't have, he shouldn't even know what a dick-hole was at his age. Arthur snapped out of his shock and his face turned red, puffing up with parental aggression. "My FUCKING WHAT!"

If they weren't busy arguing, Arthur would have been able to point out that the angrier his son became, the more british his accent became. "ARTHUR, yer' pushing me over the FUCKING LINE!"

Arthur blinked, and shook his head. "No, I'm not." He kept one hand on his hip, and pointed harshly at the air with every word that followed. "You are a wizard!" Now he was starting to shift his weight back and forth between his feet, hands flailing around because they didn't know what to do. "You're gonna go to Hogwarts, You're gonna do spells, you get a wand, you get a fucking owl, it'll deliver your mail,

DEAL

WITHIT

ya TWAT!"

Little Matthew was now so enraged he had thrown the plate of disgusting food across the room, and punted the chunky remains at Arthur. Caught up in a spell of chewing on the table cloth, rolling and kicking in anger, he didn't pay any attention to the words that spilled out of his mouth. "I'LL FUCKEN PUT MAH DICK IN THE OWL!"

His parent paused, thoughtfully, and for a few moments was able to calm himself, lowering his voice. "I did that when I was younger, and that was a bad move, you. Are a wizard. . ."

Matthews tantrum stopped, and he stared over at Arthur with wide, purple eyes. He released the chewed on table cloth from his mouth, a string of saliva connecting the two. His voice was low, and intense."I'm a wot?"

Arthur facepalmed, twice before replying, his voice strained and slightly girlish. "YOU'RE A WIZARD MATTHEW FOR FUCKS SAKE LISTEN TO MEH."

"Arthur, I've been through this, I don't give a BLOODY FUCK WHAT YOU THINK!" Arthur's son was back to rolling on the table, cocooning himself in the cloth.

"This is NOT,' Arthur pleaded, 'negotiable! You come with me, you SPECCY BOWL-HAIRED CUT FUCK SMALL DICK SKINNY CUNT EAT MORE WANKER!"

Matthew was now flailing on the table furiously, kicking silverware off onto the floor. "I'LL FUCKEN SET YER' BROWS ON FIRE!"

Arthur just stared down at the boy, standing unnaturally still. He took genuine offense to his eyebrows being threatened, even if it was just a little boy threatening them. "MON' THEN YA' LITTLE SPECCY CUNT SQUARE-GO LIKE'"

Despite the rageful yelling directed at him, Matthew just continued to flail and kick at the table, ripping off chunks of cloth with his teeth. "I'LL FUCKEN BURST YE'!"

Face red with anger Arthur felt his eye twitch as he lowered his voice. "Right you, ya' little wank stain. If you don't get your act together, I'm gonna drag you to Hogwarts. You'll get a wand, you'll get an owl that'll deliver your SHITEY MAIL and that'll be that and you'll enjoy it ya' shhchhch-shh chinky."

The boy's tantruming once again had a momentary pause, as he used his tiny fists to tug at the already holed cloth, further ripping it. He glared up at Arthur. "I'll fucken' NAW yer' ARM OFF Arthur."

"Listen you,' Arthur narrowed his eyes, arms crossed and fingers digging into his arms, 'get near my arm, and I'll slap you across the face like a little BITCH!"

"I'll pump YE' SILLY!" Another rip, what the hell was this brats problem? Must be that french mother of his, Arthur figured. The thought of the boy living with that slutty frog made his bloodpressure reach dangerous levels, and he didn't notice the rush of blood to his brain caused him to forget he was talking to his adopted son, and not some tart on the street corner trying to lift his pockets.

"C'mon then ya' cunt!"

Matthew jumped up and flailed two ripped halves of the former table cloth in the air. "SUCK MAH PIXIE DICK YA CHUBBY COON!"

Arthur was too far gone in his anger to stop what fell out of his mouth after that. "I'LL RUPTURE YOUR FUCKEN ANUS WITH MAH MASSIVE BEAR COCK!"

The boy was unfazed, and kicked a remaining spoon at Arthur's face. "I'LL RIP YER GIANT DICK OFF AND BASH YE' ACROSS THE JAW WITH IT!"

"LES' GO RIGHT NOW BRING IT ON YA LITTLE WANK!"

Just then Alfred came in and screamed at both of them to shut up. Since he also threw the living room sofa at them, they listened.

Arthur felt horrible about what he said, wondered why he said it, and after many hours of drinking in his study, found a way to blame Francis for it. He got custody of Matthew the next day.

Matthew later became traumatized by the incident, and after that never again saw a fairy or any other sort of mythical creature.

After a few years of reflecting upon the incident (and several others similar to it) Alfred realized his family was seriously fucked up in ways no amount of therapy could ever fix, and moved out.

-the end

_

Dialog and general silliness credited entirely to this video:

http:/www. Youtube .com/watch?v=0mQaIMYIvYU

I simply replaced Hagrid/Harry with Arthur/Matthew.


End file.
